Just put a bullet in me and use my carcass as a doormat. When it starts to reek, chuck it in a landfill and let the seagulls fight over the scraps.
That’s the feeling I get when I see some knockoff Wolf of Wall Street in skinny jeans, smugly draped over a leased Lambo outside a rented mansion, pummeling me with YouTube ads about his “foolproof” course.
Even if he is rich, it’s not from doing what he teaches.
It’s from fleecing thousands of suckers who think they can have his lifestyle for three easy installments of $997.
You’ve seen hundreds of these ads, haven’t you?
Once you click, they retarget you with even more ads, popping up everywhere, like Jake from fucking State Farm.
They demand your name, email, and sometimes even your phone number just to access their “free training.”
Then they spam you with emails and texts, gnawing on your last nerve like it’s corn on the cob.
The free training turns out to be a 60-minute pitch fest.
You don’t learn jack. They just beat their chest about how great they are and promise their “simple three-step system” will work for anyone.
Yes, even you. Even if you’re dumb and lazy, and live under the umbrella from a hot dog cart.
They’ll swear:
- This is brand new.
- Nobody else knows about it.
- Zero competition.
- You’ll be at $10k/month in 30 days.
- Scaling to $100k/month right after that.
- And it all takes less than an hour a day.
Right, and I’m a unicorn riding a rainbow to Neverland.
The best is when they show blurred-out names from a Facebook Group, bragging about all the money they’re making.
Can’t verify any of it – how convenient.
But you can totally believe them because they paid some PR company to scatter puff pieces across Forbes, Yahoo Finance, and Business Insider.
And somehow, people fall for this. They see the headlines, drink the Kool-Aid, and decide they want in.
The price?
Hidden like contraband up an inmate’s ass.
Guess you’ll hafta “book a strategy call” to find out.
Course, once they have you on the phone, they’re gonna pistol-whip you into buying.
“Oh, and it’s $5k,” they’ll finally reveal. “But I have to run your card now. Price jumps to $8k the second we hang up.”
Fear not, there’s a guarantee.
Buried in the fine print, though, is a lovely little clause that basically says if you fail, that’s on you.
“No you will not be getting a refund. Now crawl back into your cuck cage and offer them a towel when they’re done.”
And yet, some people will still ignore every red flag and enroll – only to discover:
- The content’s outdated.
- The support’s nonexistent.
- The guru’s too busy counting cash to show up, so some underpaid lackey runs the coaching calls.
- You never hear from them… unless they’re shoving another upsell down your throat.
- And, shocker: the model’s way harder, slower, and more saturated than they made it seem.
“Trust the process,” they’ll say. “Keep going. It’s a numbers game.”
Yeah, no.
Unless you dress like a lumberjack with a nose strip… and motorboat Leila’s dirty pillows while she discusses KPIs in a voice deeper than yours… you probably don’t have what it takes.
This industry needs a Dog the Bounty Hunter to round up dishonest douchebags.
Until then, tap below.